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Unrealistic Expectations.

by

marriage

This is going to be one of those posts. You know, the ones where you cringe at the title. But, don’t cringe … here’s a healthy dose of my slap-you-in-the-face-reality about my marriage.

I’ve been married for fifteen years. We were young when we got married, and in a lot of ways, I grew up along side my husband. Neither of us were ready or even slightly aware of what life was going to be like. We thought we did though. Ohhh, we thought we knew it all.

I can remember family and friends telling us to wait, but pffft, I knew we were going to be okay. I mean, who else knew my nineteen year old self better than me? Not them. And plus, that marriage statistic was bullshit. We were going to beat all the odds and laugh in their faces.

Then the honeymoon ended, kids were born, mortgages were acquired, and the deployments were bountiful. We were so stupid. Sure hindsight and all that, but we had no clue. None.

We’ve both almost walked out plenty of times. Sometimes it’s me saying I’m done. Sometimes it’s him. Somehow we keep fighting. It’s a struggle some days when he reminds me that I’m ignoring him. (I really have selective hearing.) Or how I love my computer and Facebook more than him.ย Sure, I can keep blaming my husband–which I do. I can continue to point out the flaws he has … which on a bad day I’m sure I could go on and on. If I’m really honest, I’m sure he could do the same. I keep wondering why this seems so hard? Why aren’t things like the movies and books? Why do I feel like I’m clawing my way up a rock mountain with someone holding my ankles?

Aย friend and I were talking about how our spouses were doing whatever it was, and I said: “My characters never have these issues. Could you imagine Jackson treatingย Catherine like that?”

She laughed, talked about how right I was. I sat there in my self righteousness thinking about my characters and how perfect their marriages are.

A little while later, it hit me. Of course they don’t have these issues! Who the hell wants to read or write about that? I don’t! “How many times do I have to explain that the forks go up in the dishwasher?” or “Dammit! Put the F*^%*$ย toilet seat down! I fell in AGAIN!” Sure, it might make you laugh, but then it ruins the fantasy.

It took a lot of self reflection over the last month to see what I didn’t want to see.

I have unrealistic expectations about marriage.

I read to escape. I write to escape. So of course my characters all have these glorious bodies, men who would walk in front of a bullet, and they don’t have to tell them about the toilet seat because–they’re perfect.

Now, I don’t think reading or writing is actually ruining my marriage. But I wonder if it’s me. I love romance. I love the idea of romance. I want to have a man who reads my mind and can say the right thing. I want him to know when I need him to hold me, tell me how perfect I am (because in my mind I really am), and love me so deeply I can’t imagine life without him.

But is that really something I want?

I’m far from a walk in the park to live with. I have many faults, which is a daily struggle for me to accept and work through. I think sometimes … I live in a book world where there are many ups and downs, but the guy can always “fix” it.

The truth is though, when my husband tries to “fix” me, I want to throat punch him.

No. Really. I do.

I want to live with dirty dishes, piles of clothes, and a lot of laughter. I want the messy because without it I can’t see the beauty when my house is actually clean. I’ve learned a lot about myself these last few weeks since my friend pointed out something I had blinders on. I need to be real about what life is like. I need to accept that he’s human, I’m human, and sometimes we’re really dumb.

I want to read about the perfect so I canย appreciate that when shit really sucks here–we endure.

For more about Jackson and Catherineย clickย HERE

Reader Interactions

Comments

    • YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      We got married young and had tons of drama over the years. But yes, its so hard to remember when submerged in the romance world that real life isn’t so pretty. That there are two POVs and no one,NO ONE, is a mind reader.

      Thanks for the reminder!

    • I totally understand what you’re saying! We’ve been married 16 years and I realized a few years ago this same thing. My expectations are unrealistic and I have to appreciate my husband for everything he does. He loves me the way he knows how. He may not do some things the way I wish he did, but I don’t either. I wish my earlier self would have realized this. It would have made life a bit easier. I LOVE my husband and I LOVE the life we have. It’s hard work but that’s what makes it beautiful!

  2. I hear ya girl. I feel the same way about my husband. Why he can’t be like Jackson or other book men. I wish life could really be like that. I too read to escape and my husband tells me that I love my nook more than him. Sometimes I do. He laughs when I tell him about the men in the books. I do love my husband I just wish he be more romantic. I think alot of woman feel this way. Hugs

  3. OMG!!! You hit the nail on the head with me. I so relate to this; thank you for explaining it so well. My husband and I got married when we were 18&19, and are still married 25years later; it’s good but it is never perfect. Marriages take a lot of work, and you must be willing to compromise; which is not always easy. I often wonder about people who are constantly posting about their perfect husbands online; are they for real or do they have blinders on???

    So thank you again for opening my eyes about real marriage versus fairytale marriages.

  4. Yes, life is not perfect but for me, reading romance novels help me appreciate how good my relationship with my husband is. It is not perfect but it is perfect for us.
    I’d be reading a book and think, “Oh I wish that hubs did this or did that,” and then it started to down on me that he did and does all those things and more. He will tell me he loves, even in front of his jiu jitsu friends (hubs does martial artsโ€”with a bunch of mean looking tough guys), and he will text me just to check on me and send me funny pictures via private message on Facebook. He’ll pull my hair and kiss me senseless and then walk away with a smirk on his face and will cop a feel at any opportunity he gets. He will lie next to me in bed while we both read our books and hold my hand.
    No, he has never put a single dish in the dishwasher, and he always leaves his messes behind for me to clean. He is not very patient and is honest to the point of rudeness but after all those years, when I tally the Pro and Con list, it is so heavily tipped in his favor that I can’t help but count all my blessings. Thanks hubs. I love you.

  5. That’s why the “book boyfriend” was created!
    Love your novels and can’t wait for the next one!

  8. First of all – major kudos to you for still being married! You are the only other person I know, other than my friend, who was married at nineteen and is still married to the same guy! I’m a 22 year veteran (to the same guy!) and can tell you my marriage has been to so many places and back again – I can hardly keep up. For a marriage to work and stay the course it needs forged-in-steel determination and commitment from both parties and for one to be prepared to pick up the other’s slack when times are tough. This is marriage, not the flowers and chocolate and high romance of the books we all love so much. If you can sustain romance in a marriage over the long-term then that’s a major achievement. Few manage it.

  9. Girlfriend!!! Preach it with your hands up! Thank you for this post because I believe many women feel the same way, but they don’t have the finesse to put it into words. I have totally lived in unrealistic expectations and I think that having expectations sometimes at all sets one up for failure. I am coming to terms with my imperfections, which allows me to realistically see my husband’s imperfections in a different light. Thanks, Corinne for sharing personal stories with us. I think many women feel the same way and I’m certainly glad to know I am not swimming by myself in marriage struggles.

  10. Wow! I honestly thought that you were a fly on the wall this past week in my house! My husband and I got married young, have been together for 14 years. This past week has literally been like this, not like this is the first time. He even said I read to escape & I do! Yes! How many times does someone have to tell someone else how to load a dishwasher?! lol. Thank you for putting yourself out there! It makes me (and as I see from other people’s comments) feel like I’m not doing something wrong. Yes, I have my own struggles inside myself to deal with and so does my husband, that have added to our marriage struggles! Nobody’s perfect & now I know that I’m not alone! Thank you again!

  11. This post is awesome!! We all have struggles in our own ways and I’m sure there are very few “perfect” marriages or relationships out there. That’s why I love getting lost in books…! I can get lost then go back to dealing with “real-life”. Thank you for sharing this Corinne xx

  12. 20 years married for me. And there have been times that it REALLY sucked. No sex (mostly on my part due to some health issues. Btw hysterectomies are the shit!), a lot of yelling, and lot of “you suck as a person”,…I could go on and on. Something happened years ago where my husband almost died. And in those moments when the doctor tells you to have a minute to speak in private before he’s rushed to emergency surgery all we could think about was how we honestly and truly loved each other. The really bad and all the really good and all the in between. We married young. So I know that phrase of growing up together. We did and we stuck it through. It’s still tough at times. But honestly not as bad after so many years. And the funny thing is that he says the things you read in romance novels. He may not be a six foot two brooding wash board abs having hunk of a man. But he’s a great faithful husband and awesome co-parent. But like last night while we were…ahem…and he said “I’m so in love with you” I actually swooned. Swooned is such a funny word to read in a romance book it just doesn’t sound right…but here I am putting it into text. 20 years and I still yell, still get pissed and apparently I also swoon. So this is to all those girls who stuck it through.

  13. Marriage is hard!! HARD! So f-ing hard! My hubs and I will be married 15 yrs in June, but we’ve been together for nearly 20. Married young and had kids young. NO ONE tells you what to expect or how marriage truly is! We’ve had SO many ups and downs, though lately, it feels like more downs than ups. We’ve been through so much in our 37 yrs of living that honestly at the end of it all, I would not want anyone else by my side through it all. We become so comfortable that we easily slip into non romantic patterns because we can. I tell many of my friends that staying married is the hard part and it only makes you grow stronger as a couple, but also as an individual.

    Personally, I don’t mind reading about marriage flaws and hiccups because it’s real and makes me giggle to know we are all on very similar paths together. Of course, reading about HEA and crazy sex is A-OK in my book, too ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Keep on keeping on ๐Ÿ™‚

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