I’ve been toying with the idea of this blog post for a while. Each time I sit down, fingers hovering over the keys, mind going a mile a minute, I pause and lean back. Forewarning, this will probably make no sense at the end, but I’ve got a lot of feelings and this is how I purge them. I’m writing a story now and I think my character has brought out some very deep emotions for me. Which is scary as fuck!
Emotions suck.
There’s a lot of fear when I talk about myself as a writer and not actually writing a story. To me, my characters are their own people. Sure, there are similarities between myself and most of my heroines. Catherine has Daddy issues, Grace struggles with knowing whether to let go or hold on, and Charlie is afraid of being left behind. Then, they have some of my quirks, like fear of sharks, love of coffee, and I’m sure there are a million other things that I don’t even realize … but that’s all surface.
It’s not who I am at my core.
I’m much more, and the struggles I face daily are easy to hide from when I’m behind the keyboard.
When I wrote my first book, I had no way of knowing how things would go. Sure, I believed my book was the best thing in the world (I assure you, it’s not and I’m fully aware), but I believed it was. I had low goals. REALLY low goals. I wanted to sell 5 books. I figured failing would be much harder if I didn’t think anyone was ever going to read it anyway. I heard from many friends … “oh, what a great hobby.” Granted, it began that way, but after my first, second, third, and so on, it clearly wasn’t.
Each book I write lives inside of me. It may sound crazy, but I walk along side of my characters, loving them, feeling with them, and bringing life to a very scary imagination. Then, I release them into the world and do everything I possibly can to detach so that I feel nothing after. Which most times I fail miserably at the detaching phase. Hence why I block certain websites from my computer.
Sometimes ignorance really is bliss. <– for real.
However, the time I spend with my characters means time away from real life. My husband, kids, family, and friends all fall to the wayside. I notice more and more what little interaction I get outside of the “book world”. Hell, thanks to the internet, I don’t even have to grocery shop anymore! The cycle is never ending because as a writer, I’m always working on the next book. I’m always striving for something else which means I neglect people, my home, my sanity …
I’m not sure what the right thing is, but I know I have to do better. Balance is hard when you never feel grounded. Writing is the best part of me and at the same time it’s hurting those around me–and myself! I’ve gained more weight than I care to admit, I swear I never had these gray hairs before, and I promise I own a blow dryer. I find my self-worth in people who don’t know me. Yet the very idea of walking away, is impossible. I need to write to because it lives in me. I’m literally cranky when I take long breaks, but then I go opposite and shut in when I am writing. It’s really freaking hard for me to work through that, and I really suck at it so far.
As a woman, business owner, writer, mother, wife, sister, daughter, and all the other things … I sometimes feel like I’m treading water and barely staying afloat. (I swear a character has said that in one of my books, sorry if I’m quoting myself here.)
I believe success for women often comes with a price. It could be the same for men, but there’s almost an expectation that they’ll do well and there’s a level of support that’s granted just because of their sex. We won’t even get into all that because we could go on and on. My point is that women are still expected to be the ones who keep the “home”. I’m not taking about cleaning and that, but the overall functionality of it. It’s just reality. I still do the doctor’s appointments, scheduling, drop offs, and have to write and run a business. I forfeit sleep, health, and I still can’t get it all done. Yet, it’s expected of me to do it all. I can’t. I literally cannot. It’s too much and it’s killing me slowly. I don’t have enough hours in the day to be everything to everyone and still have something for me.
I want to be a good wife. I want a healthy marriage where we’re not just strangers in the night. Marriage is work and it’s hard. My schedule, his schedule, and just overall stress of life makes things insurmountable on a good day. But a release month … forget it. I’m even more of a head case. I know this, but I’m still searching for a way to stop myself from going down the rabbit hole.
I want to be a good mother. I want my kids to tell me about their days and not making comments about how much I’m on my phone and computer. I grew up in a time where we didn’t have cell phones. We had beepers and no call waiting. We spoke with who we spoke to until we hung up. I can remember my grandmother taking the phone off the hook during dinners so no one could interrupt. The mere idea of not having my phone near me will literally cause my heart to race. That’s crazy! They deserve more than that.
I want to be a good writer. I need to pen novels so I can feel whole inside. There’s nothing more exciting than a blank page for me. I get to create. I get to explore subjects that harbor deep inside of me, wanting to get out, needing a voice, and I somehow have been blessed to be able to do that.
I wish I had answers. I wish this wasn’t just rambling about nothing other than some self-awareness. Maybe I’m hoping someone else reads this and can identify a little. My friends often share the same feelings of inadequacy with their jobs and home life, and that’s what it boils down to for me. I don’t know that I ever feel like I’m doing enough. <– that damn word haunts me.
Do men feel this way? I don’t know. What I do know is that so many women struggle with working and being a wife and mother. It shouldn’t be a choice, in my humble opinion. I shouldn’t have to be one or the other. I just need to figure out how to be both and be happy.
Renita McKinney says
Corinne,
This was so beautifully, ramblingly (is that a word?) said. I understand, and co-sign on every emotion. My reasonings may be different, but the emotions are the same. I, too write. We want to be it all, do it all, have it all. It’s our drive. But as I have gotten older, I realized I could not have it all, I could not be it all, and I didn’t want to have it all. I decided to give the best I have to give, but the operative word being best, not all. And your best isn’t about quantity, is it about quality.
Love your books, and just keep doing your best.
Darlene says
Corinne
Very well said. I am not a writer but I am a mother and a wife and work full time at a job that requires me to be in call and have to leave at a moments notice. No matter where I am or what I’m doing or who I’m with. My kids grew up understanding that when the beeper went off mommy had to run. Even if it was a Birthday or Christmas or an important game. I always wondered if it was fair to them. My ex husband often accused me of putting my job ahead of my family which was hysterical since he was unemployed for 8 of the 11 years we were married. My kids are all 20 and up now and they seem to have turned out ok. I guess as long as the time we do spend with the kids and husbands and family is good quality time dedicated to them it will turn out ok.
All we can do is the best we can and accept help when we need it.
Hang in there I’m sure you will find a balance that works for you and your family. <3
Carrie Bottrell says
This post gave me shivers. You so eloquently put into words the feelings of so many women. I am a mom of 4 – ages 23 to 5! I work full-time and have a husband who works in the corrections system. Trying to balance the logistics of children who are out on their own to being an “in the moment” mom of school age children is nearly impossible. But, I do the best I can. I’ve often thought about how I work 40 hours, but the responsibilities of our home still fall on my shoulders. There are days I resent that to hell and back. There are days I embrace it because I know I kick ass at multi-tasking. My husband could never do what I do and I feel empowered by that.
Thank you for the sisterhood you foster through your blog and your books!
Joyce Allen says
Corinne,
Thank you for being human just like the rest of us!
I am just a wife, mother, and grandmother now retired.
I married in my teens and had two children by my early twenties and life has been hard.
I have no talent, spent my life working as a domestic cleaner for other people just to earn money, fell into bed exhausted most days and am still looking after my mother in her late 80’s.
How my husband and I have survived 45 years of marriage I’ll never know. There have been times I wanted to run, have a life for me but we’re still here together and life’s not so bad.
Being an English Essex girl, we retired to the Essex coast and bought a beach hut for our retirement, and ” my time ” is spent there by the sea ( which I might add is more brown than blue on our Essex coast! ) reading your books, which really make my day. Even on these days I still feel guilty because there is always something needs doing for my mum or my grand daughter needs a school run because my daughter’s at work, you get the drift, it never stops and I’m still waiting for “my life”
I’m rambling now too, but let me tell you this, your books take me away from real life just for a while, I forget I’m a wife, mother, daughter, I’m one of your characters, lost in a different life to my own and I thank you for that.
Reaching the age I am, I honestly think men don’t have a conscience, they don’t feel guilt like us, they definitely couldn’t fit what we do into a day, that said where we would be without them, guilt free!!
Dani René says
This post is perfection in every sense of the word. It says enough for every woman. I’m an author, I spend most of my time on my phone or computer and my family does suffer. I do too. And I understood and related to everything in your post. Thank you for writing it. Sometimes it feels as if I’m alone and I’m the only one feeling this way. It feels as if I’m the only person struggling with the balance, but it’s somewhat comforting to know there are others out there that feel the same. I think we all have that need to be ‘enough’ or to ensure what we do is enough, but we need to start believing in ourselves and in our worth rather than looking at everyone else for it. Your words are always so heartfelt, so beautiful, and you along with every other woman are enough.
Grace Sheese says
I hear you and understand you. All of it. All of your words are being the same ones swirling inside of my head. I’m a potter, a mom, a wife and a teacher. The way I feel when I haven’t been in the studio for a while is just as you described. I don’t have an answer for you nor do I have a solution but I hear you. All of it.