Each year we all look back and come up with a plan. Each year my plan is mostly the same: lose weight, find balance in my life, write more, be a good mom and wife …
Each year I fail on some level.
In 2003, I reached my breaking point. I was gaining weight like it was my job (one I excelled at) and I saw a photo from my husband’s deployment party. You know those out of body experiences where you feel like you’re looking at someone else? That was what happened. I saw the photo and was in complete denial. No way was that me. No. Freaking. Way.
But it was.
So, I decided that day I wasn’t going to be that. I was going to lose weight, get healthy, and not tell a single soul about my plan. I joined Weight Watchers and lost almost 70 pounds. My husband came back from his deployment seven months later and he didn’t recognize me. It was great and I still remember how it felt to see his shock.
Today, though, I don’t recognize me.
The last two years I’ve gained it all back. I’m miserable with how I feel and look. I’m angry that I “allowed” this to happen. I’m ashamed when I look in the mirror. I don’t want to go around friends and family (especially if you’re losing weight). I hate it. I hate how I feel about it. And on some level, I hate myself.
Last week, two days before Christmas, I lost it. I mean, I probably scared the shit out of my husband. I cried, didn’t want to see my family, and had myself a giant ass pity party for one. Lord knows what I said about myself during my rant. None of it was kind. None of it I’m sure my husband will repeat to me. He instead told me I was beautiful, he loved me, and he would support me in whatever I wanted to do.
But self-sabotage is a bitch. Instead, I fall deeper and deeper. Eat more and more (because why the hell not at this rate?). And I felt … ALONE.
Until the other day … I went to a late coffee with one of my best friends over Christmas. She and I sat there with tears in our eyes as we unburdened our truths. We talked about how we felt about ourselves and our weight. The funny thing is, neither of us ever saw the other as “fat”. Not one time when I see her do I think she’s anything but beautiful. I realized that I was not for one second alone in my feelings and I had a choice.
I went into my Facebook group and shared a portion of how I felt, and I sat there (once again) crying. So many of us feel alone. It’s not okay. Our self worth isn’t defined by the scale, yet most of us think it is. I know I do at times.
After that post, I made a choice … I’m not going to make it a goal for the year, but a life goal. I want to lose weight (no matter how long it takes), and I want to be better to myself. I’m sure I’ll screw up. I’m sure I’ll eat the cake. I’m sure the scale will go up at some point and I’m sure it’ll suck.
But after I wrote it down, something inside of me changed. I don’t know if it was knowing I have so many people who are championing behind me. People I’ve never met in that group who shared their own stories of struggle and success, but if you feel alone … you’re not.
You’re not alone.
Not even for a second.
Candice Shaffer says
No truer words have ever been spoken! I so relate to this! I have had 5 surgeries in 6yrs and was told 2 weeks ago I have Arachnoiditis ( husband and I had to Google this) and for once I read the words that described everything I have felt for 3 years since my back surgery I am in pain all the time and I have had alot of pity parties for 1 along the way cause I too am overweight even though people including my husband say I look great it’s still not what I see in the mirror. Sometimes I see a sexy pretty woman but other times not. I see a hanging roll on my belly and big thighs but my husband grabs hold of them and says he loves it, I think to myself how the hell can he love that and grab it like he really does love it and that has me thinking alot lately that I really need to look inward so I know this will take time but I am starting to work on myself from the inside out because I need to start loving and liking what I see in the mirror. Thank you for writing about this and listening.
Every year this is me. I look in the mirror at stores and don’t like what I see. I have come a long way since June last year but have made it my mission to get healthier this 2017. I have found a program where I have seen results I just need to stick with it. No mor excuses. You are not alone ?
Kimberly Miller says
Oh how I just love your candid honesty. I have always struggled with my weight. In 2005, I lost 50+ lbs after the birth of my second child and felt really good about myself. Since then, I have gained it all back plus 50 more lbs after the birth of my third child. I have been exactly as you are. There were times I would make my husband leave the room so I could get dressed. Showering together is no longer something I enjoy. Every time I see one of his friends or coworkers, I know they are wondering why someone like him is with someone like me. It’s funny how sometimes I am so determined. I know that I can work hard to beat the weight but then the littlest thing (and I do mean the littlest thing) will throw me off track. Last March, I went my OBGYN (who totally rocks btw) and she and I came up with a plan to lose some of the weight. I FAILED in EPIC fashion. Not only did I not really lose any weight but I gained 15 lbs.
I always feel like the weight gain after a weight loss is my punishment for not sticking with it. Its karma’s way of telling me how much I suck. So this year, I am not making any New Year’s Resolutions. I am going to make goals. And like you, I know that sometimes I am going to fail (epic fail I am sure) but I have go to keep trying. I am sick of feeling this way about myself. I am sick of feeling fat and sad and not good enough. I am sick of feeling alone in a world full of people. So I will continue to try and hope for a victory soon. <3 you Corinne Michaels!!
Thank you for sharing even more of yourself. I am in your FB group. The day you made that post was a day I was being very hard on myself. I cried while reading your post. I often think I’m alone in my self doubt. You made me reevaluate and realize I’m not alone. I will be following you on your “journey” with one of my own. Again, thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone. <3
Mary A. Koll says
You’ve got this Corinne! I was at that point last June and I’ve lost weight but then I get thrown a monkey wrench. I’ve been suffering with diverticulitis since 2008 and it’s been ok but this past August I had a flare up took Meds and then boom again in October and then again during thanksgiving. So I was referred to a surgeon. I made the decision to have surgery because I really didn’t want to wait until I had a really bad flare up and need two or more surgeries. Well that happened this past Wednesday and yes it’s been painful but I’m in such a positive place! I’m also going on a life plan to live my life healthier and with a positive attitude. So if you need anyone outside of your circle I can be that someone. Happy new year!
Bev B says
I love you Corinne Michaels ,you are so not alone,I look @ myself everyday & don’t like what I see,I have a hurt back & had to have three lower back surgeries, they didn’t help,I deal with bad pain everyday,also suffer bad migraines,its depressing to hurt all the time & ontop of that,I don’t like my body,I don’t like to get dressed,cause I don’t think I look good in anything I put on,I’m told alot by guys on a dating site that they think I’m very Sexy, I Just don’t see it, I’m like where am I sexy @,so you see,there are so many of us out there that,struggle with the way we look,losing weight & keeping it off,my exhusband of 14 years walked out on me in Feb 2011,he never looked back,we divorced in Jan 2014,I lost alot of weight,I was devastated,I went down from a size 22 to a size 7/8 very fast,I looked very good,I could wear all kinds of cute clothes etc,but over the years, it crept back on me,now I’m in a size 29/30 now,not too bad,but my boobs are humongous,I hate them,hard to find a bra that fits right & don’t cut into you,so I want you to know I absolutely love you & I have read all of your books,can not wait til you write more, I devoured each book & couldn’t put them down,I am a big fan of your writing style,So please hurry & bring us more awesome stories
Your #1 fan Bev B
Amy Vox Libris says
It’s as if you have read my mind and witnessed my life.
Carrie Bottrell says
Thank you for your continued honesty and ability to make others feel so comfortable with their own struggles, because as you say, we are not alone. We all fight demons – for some it’s weight, inability to quit an addiction, the list goes on. I love the community you have created on FB, for I appreciate and seek the community of those just doing the best they can, yet striving for something better. Much love, peace and happiness to you and all of your followers as we all seek what we are looking for.
Lee Lowerre says
I completely understand how you feel. I have been going through turmoil that ultimately results in my eating binges. I have gained a considerable amount of weight and I don’t like to look in the mirror much less take a photo…. through the holidays I visited New Jersey and my sisters after photos were taken I wanted to crawl in the nearest corner and not come out….. I refuse to set a New Years resolution because we all know by now that they just don’t work…. but I have committed myself to getting my act together and eating healthier….don’t get me wrong I like others will continue to have that snack a couple of times a week… if you don’t you will not be able to sustain the mentality that you can lose….. but I have returned to the gym hard at it when I go 3x a week. I have to admit I lost 11.5 lbs. in 5 months …… without a diet…. just eating better and exercise…… so like I said I am committed to doing it again…. I wish you well on your decision Corinne.