Each year we all look back and come up with a plan. Each year my plan is mostly the same: lose weight, find balance in my life, write more, be a good mom and wife …
Each year I fail on some level.
In 2003, I reached my breaking point. I was gaining weight like it was my job (one I excelled at) and I saw a photo from my husband’s deployment party. You know those out of body experiences where you feel like you’re looking at someone else? That was what happened. I saw the photo and was in complete denial. No way was that me. No. Freaking. Way.
But it was.
So, I decided that day I wasn’t going to be that. I was going to lose weight, get healthy, and not tell a single soul about my plan. I joined Weight Watchers and lost almost 70 pounds. My husband came back from his deployment seven months later and he didn’t recognize me. It was great and I still remember how it felt to see his shock.
Today, though, I don’t recognize me.
The last two years I’ve gained it all back. I’m miserable with how I feel and look. I’m angry that I “allowed” this to happen. I’m ashamed when I look in the mirror. I don’t want to go around friends and family (especially if you’re losing weight). I hate it. I hate how I feel about it. And on some level, I hate myself.
Last week, two days before Christmas, I lost it. I mean, I probably scared the shit out of my husband. I cried, didn’t want to see my family, and had myself a giant ass pity party for one. Lord knows what I said about myself during my rant. None of it was kind. None of it I’m sure my husband will repeat to me. He instead told me I was beautiful, he loved me, and he would support me in whatever I wanted to do.
But self-sabotage is a bitch. Instead, I fall deeper and deeper. Eat more and more (because why the hell not at this rate?). And I felt … ALONE.
Until the other day … I went to a late coffee with one of my best friends over Christmas. She and I sat there with tears in our eyes as we unburdened our truths. We talked about how we felt about ourselves and our weight. The funny thing is, neither of us ever saw the other as “fat”. Not one time when I see her do I think she’s anything but beautiful. I realized that I was not for one second alone in my feelings and I had a choice.
I went into my Facebook group and shared a portion of how I felt, and I sat there (once again) crying. So many of us feel alone. It’s not okay. Our self worth isn’t defined by the scale, yet most of us think it is. I know I do at times.
After that post, I made a choice … I’m not going to make it a goal for the year, but a life goal. I want to lose weight (no matter how long it takes), and I want to be better to myself. I’m sure I’ll screw up. I’m sure I’ll eat the cake. I’m sure the scale will go up at some point and I’m sure it’ll suck.
But after I wrote it down, something inside of me changed. I don’t know if it was knowing I have so many people who are championing behind me. People I’ve never met in that group who shared their own stories of struggle and success, but if you feel alone … you’re not.
You’re not alone.
Not even for a second.